Island residents may notice strings of purple lights amongst the orange pumpkins this October as businesses, nonprofits, the Town and County, throughout the San Juans honor Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
“To [display purple] lights is to tell people who have experienced domestic violence ‘we remember you.’ We have not called you out by name, but … you are not forgotten,” Dave Dunaway, executive director of SAFE San Juans, said. He added that the lights hopefully, make anyone in a domestic violence situation realize they are not alone.
“DV is often hidden by the perpetrator for obvious reasons, but also by victims wanting to salvage their relationship with the perpetrator or to keep their family intact, out of fear of retaliation, or sometimes out of a sense of shame,” Denice Kulseth, administrator for the Town of Friday Harbor, explained. “Because women are most often the victims, and because women’s concerns (health care, child care, etc.), don’t get the attention that they deserve, it’s important to bring an awareness of the prevalence of DV so that resources are dedicated to ending it.”
The Town is not only displaying purple lights, but Mayor Ray Jackson issued a proclamation declaring October 2024 Domestic Awareness Month in Friday Harbor.
“Domestic violence is not just physical, it often presents as emotional, mental, or financial abuse and is easily sustained by lack of awareness or indifference; and WHEREAS, Friday Harbor is fortunate to have many community resources available to help individuals experiencing domestic violence find a path to safety, including advocacy groups, access to quality services and programs, and responsive law enforcement and criminal justice support,” the proclamation read, calling “upon Friday Harbor residents to show appropriate recognition and support for the victim/survivors of domestic violence and abuse. Let’s learn to recognize the signs so we can make this Town a place where domestic violence does not exist.”
While the town has not collaborated with SAFE San Juans, Kulseth said she would love to explore that. “This issue to close to my heart. As a young lawyer, I was part of a group of nine attorneys who established a domestic violence legal hotline in New Mexico where I was living at the time. It was run through the State Bar and we offered free legal advice over the phone to victims of DV throughout the state,” Kulseth said. “Most calls centered around threats regarding child custody, alimony and spousal support. It should not have been surprising, but it was, that we received calls for assistance from wives/girlfriends of judges, politicians and lawyers, which was evidence that DV affects women from all walks of life.” The project earned them the State Bar of New Mexico Outstanding Contribution Award and went on to win the National Bar Association Young Lawyers Division Award of Achievement, Kulseth added. “That recognition meant we were providing a much-needed service, understanding that economic control and threats to take children away are often used to manipulate women into staying in abusive relationships.”
Dunaway also stressed to the Journal that domestic violence knows no boundaries and affects people of all ages, classes and genders.
“Domestic violence, sexual violence, child abuse … doesn’t respect any lines. There are no socioeconomic lines, political, age, race, gender. It impacts everybody,” Dunaway said, urging community members not to dismiss that reality. “Just because we are in this pretty place people think because we are in this serene setting and [because] there is a lot of money here that all these things would be less. It isn’t true and I hope for the community not to be naive about that.”
Domestic violence does occur in the islands more frequently than some would like to admit. Caseloads, according to Dunaway, spiked during the coronavirus, but have now dropped to prepandemic levels, meaning about 53 new families this year, as well as another 50 that carried over from last year. “All told we served about 103 families last year, so we are kind of on that same track this year,” he said. They served another approximately 35 people who had been sexually assaulted. The two are different, but not in the ways individuals may think. Domestic violence is violence that occurs in the home, in an intimate relationship, whereas sexual assault is something that is inflicted by someone who the victim is not in a relationship with.
There is no question that domestic violence remains a very hidden societal issue which is why bringing attention to it in meaningful, thoughtful and safe ways is so critical to addressing it, County Council Chair Jane Fuller told the Journal when asked why she felt it was important to raise awareness about domestic violence.
‘This is a pervasive social issue facing all communities,” she said. “Raising community awareness creates opportunities for the community to address attitudes and beliefs present that contribute to the prevalence of domestic violence. By raising awareness, we begin to notice and perhaps challenge and shift behaviors and attitudes to become a safer community. Domestic Violence is a social problem that belongs to us all and is not the responsibility of one person or one agency to change alone.”
The county partners with Safe San Juans, according to Fuller, from direct service partnerships to policy development.
“Domestic violence affects the fabric of people’s lives, their health and well-being. As a county, we have a responsibility to support people who are impacted by domestic violence by working with local partners and stakeholders,” she said.
There is also the chronic question, why don’t they just leave?
“It isn’t uncommon for us to hear that if that person was really concerned about abuse, and if they really were suffering, they would just leave,” Dunaway said. What the person suffering from abuse hears when told “just leave” is the relationship with their intimate partner has to be over, it means a complete upheaval of their world; where will they go, especially if children are involved; how will they support themselves; it isn’t unusual for them to be financially dependent upon their abuser; their friend and family circle will be disrupted, even disintegrate.
“What they really want is for the abuse to stop,” Dunaway stated. To understand where their clients are at, and to bring their power back, SAFE staff never use the words should, need to or must.
“They are already dealing with control, we’re trying to get them to not be controlled, let them know that it’s okay for them to control themselves, to exercise control over their own lives,” Dunaway said. SAFE staff often ask them what they would like to do and go over options to help them get there. Dunaway added that the more the person’s agency is able to be restored, the less likely they will return to the abuser or another abuser.
“If they don’t, [gain personal agency] they search out somebody who will make the decisions for them and right back into abuse right? So, we have to break that cycle. It’s really important.”
The inability to make decisions can be a trauma symptom in those who have suffered child abuse as well. SAFE San Juans secured funds from the Honeywell Foundation to provide professional mental health counseling for adult survivors of child abuse last year and have again this year as well.
“Suffering abuse as a child is a powerful driver of future behavior and beliefs that impact the person’s life,” Dunaway noted. Those behaviors can be difficult in decision-making. The person may remember that if they did this they got beaten, but they also got beaten if they did that, so they may end up getting stuck. “Not everyone responds the same,” Dunaway emphasized, but that is one pattern that may manifest.
Another is hypervigilance, not trusting others and anxiety around certain times of the day when the abuse occurred.
“If the person knows that when they go to go to bed it’s just a matter of time, we have a hard time going to bed. So just trying to help people learn how to sleep.”
A documentary touching on that theme titled “This is Where I Learned not to Sleep” recounts Police Chief Mark Wynn’s experience as a survivor of child abuse, the impacts the abuse had and how he learned from it to catch people like his father. It is being streamed free for National Domestic Violence Awareness Month at https://www.thisiswherefilm.com/stream-online-limited-release.
For those wishing to help a friend or family member, Dunaway cautions people saying, “When you try to intervene in a relationship … it can drive them further into it. They very well may try to defend the abuser because they feel like they deserve what they are experiencing, and they don’t want the relationship to stop.”
Outsiders, he continued, may see the violence of the relationship; however, there is likely a lot more going on, including emotional manipulation and guilt.
“Whatever way possible, do try to make sure the person has access to information about supportive services, let them know SAFE San Juans exits,” Dunaway said. “If a person thinks that a family member of a friend is involved in a situation, they might just ask ‘Hey, do you feel safe?’”
